Non blood-crazed Teddy Bears likely took serious umbrage over the claim of an Illinois man on Friday that he was just one of them.

Perhaps the individual in question decided to channel a soy boy or 90s sensitive guy persona in his plea to a federal district Judge. Maybe he actually thinks he is a stuffed animal. Is it performance art? Regardless, her honor was not amused and sent him to ponder his potentially fur-vert lifestyle in federal accommodations for more than a dozen years.

FNC: “An Illinois man has been sentenced to more than a dozen years in prison for allegedly conspiring to provide material support to ISIS. According to the Department of Justice, 39-year-old Edward Schimenti of Zion was convicted by a federal jury in 2019 on one count of conspiring to provide material support and resources to ISIS and one count of making false statements to the FBI. His sentence is for 13.5 years. Joseph D. Jones, 39, of Zion was also convicted of a conspiracy charge and sentenced last month to 12 years in federal prison in connection to the plot. According to Chicago Sun Times, one of Schimenti’s posts read ‘Islamic State will control your country, matter of fact, Islam will dominate the world!!’ In addition, he displayed the Islamic State flag on his Google+ account. Prosecutors said Jones and Schimenti met with two undercover government informants, who used the names Omar and Bilal, on Dec. 29, 2015. When asked by Bilal about whether they had pledged allegiance to ISIS, Schimenti became suspicious and abruptly left the meeting. In November 2016, the FBI sent a confidential informant to get a job with Schimenti’s employer. After being hired, the informant began socializing with Schimenti after work, and said he had a brother in the Islamic State who he hoped to join in Syria. Schimenti then told the informant about Bilal, documents show.” Here comes the good part.

Schimenti told U.S. District Judge Andrea Wood that he was “just a big teddy bear” and not an Islamist maniac. “I have a heart. I have feelings. I have emotions,” he added. Yup, he went there. He talked about his “feelings.” Gary Cooper, he isn’t.

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His defense team tried to salvage something. They got nowhere. “Mr. Schimenti only acted when the government placed the opportunity before him and then consistently manipulated him over an extended period until he took the bait,” wrote defense attorneys Joshua Adams and Stephen Hall.

Other unique legal defenses being contemplated by Islamist loons who plan to do harm to America include the “Rabid Zionist dog ate my homework” gambit, the “The stuff about anthrax? It was only a joke!” tactic, and the “Who cares? Gitmo is beautiful this time of year” courtroom strategy.

This piece was written by David Kamioner on April 13, 2021. It originally appeared in LifeZette and is used by permission.

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